Control.

I don’t like doing things I can’t control. Yes, I seek control over a number of aspects of my life. It sometimes physically causes me pain and anxiety to not know what to expect in my life. There are things in my life that I’ve had no control over that sometimes work out in the end, but it’s difficult to pinpoint what those things are.

In a way, I feel like I have maintained a certain degree of control and choice in many aspects of my life. I can control my emotions which in turn can help me maneuver a situation in a way that works out for me.

But when it comes to trusting God’s timing in my life and the prophetic words he has spoken over me? I’m scared that sometimes I’ve simply heard wrong. But I won’t know until the appointed time. So far, things have come to pass exactly as God has said in the last 6 months. Has it been uncomfortable this process – I would say about 80% of the time, yes, it’s been very uncomfortable.

Has it grown me?

Well, so many people have said I’ve changed a lot recently, so I guess so.

Lately, my moods have been very unbalanced and I hate feeling like that. I felt peak happiness last summer and I wish I could return to that time, even though I did have my down moments toward the end of the summer.

Why was I so happy?

I felt like the plans I had regarding the things in my life I thought I could control were coming true. This made me really excited about living life. And I haven’t done that recently, so perhaps that’s part of the reason why I feel so disengaged from life.

That, and seasonal depression. The winter blues always get to me. Last year, the solution was skating and a morning routine. This year, I can’t even bring myself to stick to either. And, so, I feel sadder than I usually do as my self-regulators aren’t being used. I have also stopped using unhealthy coping methods. So things I would do for momentary joy, are no longer being utilized, and it’s making me feel the pain of my emotions more so than usual. Nothing makes me numb anymore.

I don’t like confronting my emotions.

It really hurts to encounter them, since I don’t often know what they mean or where they’re coming from.

If there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, I hope I can return to a place of gratitude and more consistent joy again. I hope that I can rely only on what God has told me, instead of what people say.

I’m scared for this next year of my life, as I’m doing way too many things outside of my comfort zone at once. It triggers my flight response. My anxiety levels are increasing. I want to mope and return to my unhealthy coping methods. But I’m resisting them. Maybe that’s an alarming mountain of growth for anyone to face at once.

And that’s the thing. I feel like there’s this intense spiritual war inside me, but I can’t quite pick a side yet to wage war on. I’m stuck in the middle, unable to determine who’s wrong or who’s right. But, we all know, God is always the one who’s right.